Notes on my first urban bike ride in 30 years

I note that it is the ungodly hour of not-yet-9:00-a.m., and I am back from my first ride on my new bike.

I note that I rode for approximately 45 minutes, and went about 5 miles.

I note that I am hot, sweaty, and [sniffs to check], yes, stinky.

I note that over the past hour I have gained a keen awareness of which areas around downtown Las Vegas are "uphill" and which are "downhill," facts which had escaped my notice over the previous six years of driving.

I note that I have a strong preference for "downhill."

I note that the public policy most urgently in need of being addressed this election year is a constitutional amendment banning "uphill." As a laudatory side effect, this will create countless jobs for bulldozer and road grader operators.

I note that neither Obama nor Romney is saying a damn thing about this. Gary Johnson is an avid cyclist and triathlete. Maybe he'll do the job.

I note that these "uphill" and "downhill" things are not marked on the city's map of bike routes. Perhaps this could be addressed in the same constitutional amendment.

I note that potholes are much more evil than I had previously thought.

I note that one should not forget to take water along on these trips.

I note that I do not suddenly feel younger, as if having drunk from the fountain of youth. On the contrary, I estimate that I used up ten years of my cardiac lifespan.

I note that if somebody could bring me an IV with some sort of life-force-restoring elixir in it, I would be most appreciative. I'll just be over there on the bed, passed out. Stick the needle in any convenient vein.

I note that bicycles should come with a free, 24-hour on-call masseuse for the post-ride muscle soreness, which I am feeling already.

I note that, appearances notwithstanding, this is not about to morph into Bob's Biking Blog. This is but a temporary diversion.