Poker shirts

I saw this full-page ad in the latest issue of Bluff magazine:

At first I thought it was some sort of parody of poker-themed clothing. I expected the copy to be something like, "Don't want to look dorky like this? Turn the page for what today's fashion-conscious poker players are wearing." 

But no. They seem to be serious about selling these get-ups. 

Remember the great 1983 movie "Trading Places"? Two ultra-wealthy business tycoon brothers make a $1 bet with each other as to whether they can reduce their most successful commodities broker to abject poverty, while simultaneously getting a homeless criminal to take his place in the firm. 

Well, I imagine that Randolph and Mortimer Duke were at it again, and that's how we got the company producing the ad seen above. Here's how I think it must have gone down: 

Randolph: I so much prefer our home poker games to playing in the casinos. When you let just anybody in to play, they wear the most appalling clothing.  

Mortimer: Oh, come now. You're exaggerating. They may dress casually, but they're no worse than the average riff-raff that inhabit the city.  

Randolph: You are sadly mistaken, brother. Poker players will wear anything marketed to them as "poker clothes." They have no taste, no discernment whatsoever.  

Mortimer: Randolph, are you willing to back up that assertion with a little wager?  

Randolph: What do you have in mind?  

Mortimer: You think that it is impossible to design a poker-themed shirt so ugly that poker players won't buy it, right?  

Randolph: That is correct.  

Mortimer: All right, then. I'll bet you that I can design poker shirts so hideous that even when promoted with a full-page ad in a nationally distributed poker magazine, not a single person will order one.  

Randolph: What you propose cannot be done.  

Mortimer: We'll see about that. You can't imagine the horror I have in mind.  

Randolph: Do tell!  

Mortimer: Very well. You know how when the rodeo is in town, it seems that everybody is wearing the same goofy-looking clothes? They all have "cowboy" shirts with this curvy yoke, spangly decorations, contrasting-color piping, pearly buttons, and so on, right?  

Randolph: Yes. So?  

Mortimer: I'm going to have a designer put together a line of shirts following that same general pattern, except with poker-themed appliques. I think I can even get her to include a patch on the inside of a sleeve, so that the wearer would be able to roll it up a bit to reveal--wait for it--an ace up his sleeve! You might as well just give me my dollar now. Nobody would ever buy such sartorial monstrosities!  

Randolph: Bring on your seamstress. Make your shirts. Place your ad. Your dollar is mine. Poker players will buy anything!  

Mortimer: So say you. But you still haven't heard my coup de grace. My ad will feature only models who look like they came directly from a 1970s gay porn shoot. Ha! Take that, loser!  

Randolph: Oh, my poor deluded brother. You think a little thing like that will stand in the way of poker players rushing to order whatever idiotic-looking mess you throw together? You have much to learn.  

Mortimer: We shall see.The usual amount?  

Mortimer: Of course--one dollar.  

Randolph: One dollar it is. I can't wait to see your face when the orders start rolling in. 

Is there really any other possible explanation? 

What not to wear

I forgot to post this soon after I took it, which was a couple of weeks ago at Imperial Palace. What you can't see here is the finishing touch: a big, skull-themed Ed Hardy watch.

Shirts

I like a couple of the designs found here, especially "Poker 101" and "Donkey Checklist."

The eyes have it--or not

I did not take these photos surreptitiously. I simply walked up to these two gentlemen and asked if I could take a picture of their glasses, and both readily agreed. (I was playing at Planet Hollywood, and I noticed these guys at nearby tables.) What I didn't tell them was that they were becoming contestants in a reader poll: Which one is wearing the more embarrassing glasses?







For earlier posts on ugly sunglasses seen at the poker table, see here, here, here, here, and here. And, OK, I'll admit it, here.

Headband? Really?

I'm watching the live streaming feed from the WSOP Tournament of Champions. Antonio Esfandiari is usually a sharp dresser, so what in the hell went wrong here?

Gifts

Cardgrrl is so nice to me. She not only suggested and arranged for my recent visit, but once I got there she had two completely occasionless gifts for me. The first, pictured above, is a Pandora charm. Cardgrrl is not exactly shy about her affection for Pandora jewelry, calling it "the gewgaw equivalent of crack." (See her extolling its virtues here and here.)

I would have thought myself immune. But a hedgehog? That's just playing dirty, Pandora, capitalizing on a guy's inordinate fondness for the adorable little hedgehogs! Look at that cute little face! Look at those cute, itty-bitty feeties! I might actually have to repress a SQUEE here. It is, as my daily dose of excessive sweetness, www.cuteoverload.com, likes to say, just redonkulous.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with this thing, other than get all little-girl-squealy about it every now and then, but I sure like having it.

The other gift requires much less explanation. Since I always wear long-sleeved shirts when going out to play poker (because of frequently frigid card rooms), you, my faithful readers, would be unlikely to see this, if I did not show it to you here:

I'm calling it a tie

I'm watching the Mogehan Sun event of the North American Poker Tour on ESPN. Though the announcers don't mention it explicitly, there was apparently part of the prize pool set aside for an "ugliest sunglasses" contest.

At least William Reynolds and Greg DeBora entered.





Who do you think should win?

Odds and ends from the MGM Grand

I played at the MGM Grand tonight. Nothing especially noteworthy happened in the poker, but there were a few interesting sights along the way.

First there was this guy's hat. Click on the photo for the full-size version, and you'll see how he likes to identify himself.





Then there was a woman to my left using this as a card protector:



For some reason, my cell phone camera completely washed out the color here, but it's actually yellow. She confessed to being from Wisconsin--a cheesehead through and through.

As I was making my way to the poker room upon arrival, I passed a sight so odd that I wasn't sure I had seen it correctly, so after going about 20 feet past it, I turned around and went back for a second look. I had not been hallucinating. Here's what I saw:



This woman was playing a slot machine, and every time the reels were spinning (it's one with actual mechanical reels), she would rub the glass over one of the reels. I watched her for about two minutes, and she did this every time. Most often she would rub over the center reel. But once in a while she would instead rub over the right-hand reel, and once I saw her divide her rubbing, first on the right then on the center during the same spin.

In case you're wondering, no, this isn't some sort of touch panel. The glass does nothing. Rubbing it does nothing, except, obviously, in her mind. I was this close to asking her why she did it, but I chickened out. Nevertheless, I'm about 99% confident what she would say, if she were being honest: She has somehow become convinced that this action enhances her chances of winning.

It does nothing of the sort, of course. The electronic and mechanical innards of the machine do not respond to such inputs. But she clearly believes that they will, else she wouldn't bother expending her energy this way.

She reminded me a lot of the moron I once saw at the Riviera who would rub his magic spoon in front of him before every hand of poker. It's the same kind of lunacy that makes Jerry Yang think that a supernatural being will change the cards in the dealer's hand when he says "Lord, give me a set" in the middle of a hand, after all the chips are in. It is of a piece with Joe Bishop thinking that his dead father will perform similar magic on the deck for him, or Hal Lubarsky thinking that touching his card cap before each hand will make him luckier, or Daniel Negreanu thinking that $50 bills are unlucky, or Shannon Elizabeth believing that positive thinking and speaking will cause good cards to come while thinking and speaking negatively will cause bad ones to come, or Brian Lemke believing that his recently deceased cousin caused a miracle card to be dealt on the final hand that won him a WSOP bracelet last year (something I didn't write about at the time). It's all madness, sheer madness.

As you can tell from the links above, I've ridden this particular hobby horse a few times before, so I won't belabor it again. But I will tell you that one of the reasons I finally decided against asking this woman why she was rubbing the glass was that I was afraid she would tell me that it made the reels spins in her favor, and then I would be unable to resist asking her the only possible followup question: "Are you really that stupid?"

Fashion fail

I scanned the above image from a full-page ad in the latest issue of Bluff magazine. Which means that it is directed at poker players.

Seriously--who would wear such monstrosities, especially the ones in the upper left and lower right? Are men really eager to spend way too much money on sunglasses and in the process pick ones that make them look as effeminate as possible? Or is this like the emperor's new clothes, and we're supposed to ooh and aah and say, "Wow, those look good on you, dude"?

Somebody shows up at the poker table wearing crap like this, it's all I can do not to stare and laugh. I often sneak a cell-phone picture and post it here or on Twitpic with appropriately snarky comments.

You have been warned.

Shoutout

Thanks to Mantis for this post.

I gots to gets me one of them shirts.

I love this shirt

I wouldn't actually wear it, of course, but I love it just the same. So much truth embodied in one simple image.


Taken from http://www.highhanddesigns.com/store/POKER-T-SHIRTS/Donkey-Reflection-Poker-Shirt-p385.html.

Poker fashion mistake

Saturday at the Stratosphere poker room I spotted the guy in the white shirt at the next table. There wasn't much opportunity to sneak a good picture, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. In case it isn't clear, those sunglasses frames of his are entirely covered in rhinestones or sequins or some other similar shiny/shimmery stuff.

I'm no fashion maven; you could call my basic clothing choices "frumpy" and I couldn't rightfully argue. Nevertheless, I can state this with confidence: If you are male, and your sunglasses are covered in sequins or rhinestones, and your name is not "Elton John," you have committed a serious error in your accessorizing.

Most unusual sunglasses

This very nice man was seated to my immediate left at Bill's tonight. He had the most unusual sunglasses I've ever seen. They had no lenses, but just solid slats, occupying about 50% of the "lens" area, with the remainder completely open--sort of like looking through a horizontal picket fence. Very peculiar.

Ugliest poker sunglasses

For some time now I've been collecting examples of the biggest, ugliest, most effeminate sunglasses worn by men at poker tables. Some are professionals, from televised poker shows. Some are amateurs I've been in a game with. There have been lots of the latter, but I've often had a hard time getting pictures of them. Basically, my only three choices are: (1) Tell them I want to snap a photo to enter in my "ugliest sunglasses" contest. That might not be wise, for obvious reasons. (2) Tell them I want to snap a photo because their glasses are so good-looking. But I'm just not a good enough actor to pull off a whopper like that with a straight face. (3) Sneak a picture when I think they're not paying attention. This is made trickier by the fact that my cell phone camera, when in use, flashes a red light, and has a message on its external screen (both visible to anybody facing the lens) that says "CAMERA IN OPERATION." I guess the manufacturers don't like the thought of surreptitious photo-taking.

Let's start with the amateurs. First up is this guy, who is actually the latest addition to the collection, having been spotted at Mandalay Bay Saturday night:



Both of the next two were taken last year sometime. I'm pretty sure the first one was at the Hilton, but I can neither recall nor tell from the background where the second one was (though Planet Hollywood would be my best guess):

Then we've got the pros. Here's "Hollywood" Dave Stann, from FSN's "Best Damn Poker Show":

Here's John Juanda, from a "Poker After Dark" tournament:



Here's Daniel Alaei, from "High Stakes Poker":



Here's Shawn Sheikhan, also from "High Stakes Poker":



Here's Dan Harmetz, the third entry from "High Stakes Poker," which seems to be a mecca of ugliness:




Finally we have Dario Minieri, in a photo taken at, I believe, last year's WSOP main event:



So there you have my nominees for "Biggest, Ugliest, Most Effeminate Sunglasses Worn by a Male at a Poker Table." I leave it to readers to pass final judgment in the comments section.

Incidentally, a Dishonorable Mention should go to Dolce and Gabbana. From my informal observations, they make a disproportionate share of glasses of this general style. They're horrible. Nevada should pass a law allowing one to rip these monstrosities off of another person's face and stomp them to bits, without criminal or civil liability. The world would be a better place for it.

How the world should be

Shirt available at http://www.cafepress.com/buy/poker/-/pv_design_details/pg_1/id_19054987/opt_/fpt_/c_666/.

T-shirt

This gentleman was briefly playing at my table at Planet Hollywood tonight. I liked his shirt, and he was kind enough to allow me to take a picture.

It's funny, but it wouldn't work for me. It has to be ironic to be funny, and for me it would be literal, because my blank, neutral, somewhat absent gaze is pretty much how I go around all day every day.

Love the shirt!

After I finished playing poker at the Rio tonight, I went for a stroll through the property to see what restaurants were there that I might want to try some day. I passed the World Series of Poker merchandise store (which I didn't even know existed). They had signs announcing 70% off of all "2007 WSOP" stuff, so I bought a $40 sweatshirt for $12. I don't usually wear poker clothing, but something innocuous that like is OK with me. I'll have to endure the occasional question of why I'm wearing the sweatshirt when I didn't set foot near the place during the Series, but that's OK.

If I were inclined to wear poker-themed clothes more than I do, I certainly wouldn't include in the lineup ones that are taunting--there's way too much potential for somebody to take it personally, or for it to get turned back against me if I get unlucky or make a bad play. I don't need that extra bit of grief in my life.

However, if I were predisposed to wearing such items, the one pictured above would go on my list. As such things go, it's a very nice in-your-face jibe. As I say, it's not my style, but I can appreciate the humor in it.

I'm also reminded that I saw in a blog post from the WSOP (sorry, don't remember whose it was) claiming that the author had seen a player at the table wearing a T-shirt that said, "Your sunglasses can't hide that you suck." Now that's a message that more players need to hear!

Does your mother know you're wearing that shirt? (Minimal poker content)

Sometimes I just have to wonder what people are thinking when they select clothes to buy and wear.

The other day I saw a 30-something-year-old guy in the Venetian poker room wearing a t-shirt that said, on the front, "You have a nice ass," and, on the back, "What high school do you go to?"

I assume that people wear shirts with messages on them because they want to announce to the world something about their personality or their interests. Fine--I have no problem with that. I have my share of shirts commemorating an event I've been to or a product I like. I don't wear t-shirts much*, but if I did, I'd certainly consider ones that had stuff printed on them that I found funny or interesting.** I assume that people would either get and appreciate the joke--and thus think that they have at least a little something in common with me--or not like it, and thus probably not be my type.

But what on earth could one expect people to think of a guy who wears the nice ass/high school shirt? Did he buy it saying to himself, "Wow, people will think I'm so clever"? Does he laugh at it again every time he puts it on? When going through the drawer that morning to pick out a shirt, did he see this one and think, "Yep, that's the one that will convey just the right image of me today"?

Look, I'm not a prude, nor am I unrealistic about the sexual attractiveness of teenagers.*** It's just that I can't figure out what image of oneself one would be attempting to convey to the world by buying and wearing that particular shirt. Is it, "Wow, I really hope everybody sees that I enjoy fantasizing about sex with high school girls"?**** I mean, basically, what else can it be? Is there really anything that one can conclude about the wearer other than that? I suppose there's the possibility that he's being ironic, that he's actually the father of a teenage daughter, doesn't like the thought of her emerging sexual attractiveness, and wears this shirt in ironic defiance of his own true feelings. But that's quite a stretch.*****

Or maybe I just don't find the suggestion--however remote--of statutory rape to be as funny as this guy does.

Mostly, though, I suspect that I have thought about this guy's shirt, and what it says about him, a lot more than he ever has.******


*Not that anybody cares, but the pragmatic reason is that poker rooms tend to be really, really cold, so long-sleeved shirts tend to be a lot more comfortable. I also like to carry a pen and paper in my breast pocket for recording when and where I played, my results, things to look up when I get home, ideas for this blog, etc. So even long-sleeved t-shirts aren't my favorite garb, since they lack this crucial pocket.

**I just found this bunch of t-shirts (and posters, some of which should also be on shirts), which I would totally wear: http://xkcd.com/store/ (Thanks to Wil Wheaton's blog for the pointer: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2007/08/my-awesome-t-sh.html.)

***There's the old joke, "What do you call a man who finds 15-year-old girls sexually attractive?" Answer: "Heterosexual." The point, obviously, is that all straight guys do. For most of human history, girls of what we now consider high school age were expected to already be having children. Assuming that there is a strong genetic component to what kinds of people one finds to be sexually attractive, it appears to be nearly universal that it includes adolescents of one gender or the other.

****Nothing in the shirt's message specifically mentioned girls, so it's at least theoretically possible that the designer and/or purchaser had high-school boys in mind. But I'm pretty dubious of that.

*****I love irony, and I can appreciate irony even in t-shirts. (As opposed to appreciating ironing of t-shirts, which I don't.) At the same Venetian poker table was a woman who struck me as exceptionally bright, likely an engineer or professor of some sort, wearing a shirt that said "Math is hard!" I assume that this was derived from and/or in deliberate reference to the infamous talking Barbie. (See http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/002892.html for a nice summary of the history of that model, and how the "math is hard" expression emerged from it.) I further assume that this particular wearer loves math, and wears the shirt in proud irony--which I think is funny!

******This is now the most footnotes I've ever had in a blog post. Maybe I should start thinking of a better system, eh?

Ugly poker clothes

There's not much you can do to brand yourself as an amateur/tourist/wannabe than to wear stupid poker-themed clothing. This is really more of an amusement than a gripe, because it's so funny to see how oblivious people are to how ridiculous they look.

Take the guy in this picture, for instance, who was at my table last night at the Flamingo. (I apologize for the grainy picture; my cell phone camera has pretty low resolution, and my hands were shaking trying not to laugh.) When I asked him about the shirt, he boasted that it was custom-made--a bull-rider's shirt, he said. (He's in town for the big rodeo competition.) He was very proud of the thing. I had to obscure his face out of a sense of mercy. Might as well wear a rhinestone-studded white jumpsuit, like the dork in the Milwaukee's Best Light commercial.

A wise piece of advice, attributed variously to Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi: "When you get into the end zone, act like you've been there before." Nobody who plays poker on a regular basis wears silly clothes to do so. Special poker-themed shirts say to the world, "Woo hoo! I finally get to play POKER, in a real casino, in VEGAS, baby!"

It's perfectly understandable that one might feel that way, particularly if visiting from a state or nation where there are no legal places in which to play. But a poker table is not a place to wear your feelings on your sleeve, literally or figuratively. If you don't present yourself as a newcomer, you're less likely to be perceived as one--and "newcomer" is strongly associated with "weak player," which is not exactly the image you want to project.

So save the silly shirts for your Wednesday night home games, OK?