My standard lie

Ted at Red Bull and Poker yesterday wrote about the questions people ask him across the poker table. It reminded me that I've never mentioned here the standard lie I've developed for when people ask me what I do.

I don't like lying to people, but, first, of all, it's none of their business. Mostly they're just being friendly and making small talk, so socially it won't work to say, "Shut up and leave me alone," though, frankly, that's my misanthropic first impulse. Secondly, telling them that what I'm doing is what I do, well, it tends to lead to a long string of other questions that I don't feel like getting into.

Over time I've tried a bunch of different answers. Psychologists talk about "shaping" an animal's behavior by rewarding it as it gets closer and closer to what they want it to do. Similarly, I have developed an answer that works for me by gradually figuring out what responses lead to either more or less subsequent chat. (I want less.)

My standard lie is, "I do consulting work for medical clinics, helping them modernize their record-keeping systems."

Here's why this works. First, it's so dull that people don't tend to ask me any follow-up questions. Second, it's kind of obscure, and the sort of thing that is highly unlikely to run into a person who actually knows something about the subject, which might lead to uncomfortable attempts at shop talk. (I have no idea what I'll do when the day comes that I accidentally stumble across somebody who actually knows the field, and asks me about which digital medical records systems I work with.) Third, if asked, I can plausibly say that I am self-employed in that business and work out of my home office, which explains, if necessary, why I have free time (especially in the middle of the day) to be playing poker. Along the same lines, if asked why I moved from Minnesota to Vegas (which tends to come up, too), I can say that because I work from home, I can live anywhere, and I like both the weather and the availability of poker here--both of which happen to be true. Fourth, from my past life I actually do know enough about the medical field to B.S. my way through most conversation that might ensue, though so far that has been rare. Mostly I just get, "Oh, that's interesting," followed by silence or a complete change in the subject--exactly my goal.

However, be forewarned that I have copyrighted, patented, and trademarked this answer. If you try to steal and use it, automated fraud detection systems installed at every casino (borrowed from the federal government's Total Information Awareness program) will hear it and report the violation to my attorneys. Trust me on that--I would never lie to you.