Greeks playing poker

http://existentialcomics.com/comic/55

Just go take a look at it, for a laugh.

Hat tip: Ed Miller.

Poker gems, #471

Joe Stapleton, in Bluff magazine, September, 2014, page 88.


I'm really going to miss charity tournaments like "Put a Bad Beat on Domestic Violence," "Play Dark for the Cincinnati Center for the Blind," and "Flop Quads for Spinal Recovery Center of Duluth."

Ray Bitar's lament

The news today is that former Full Tilt Poker CEO Ray Bitar is in need of a heart transplant. I couldn't help but be reminded of a famous song from an equally famous movie....

When a man’s under indictment

There should be some excitement

And yet I’m torn apart

Just because I’m a-pleadin’

That I coulda had my freedom,

If I only had a heart.

I’d be happy, I’d be mellow,

I’d be really quite a fellow

With such a new restart.

I’d make up with all the payors,

Reimburse all the players,

If I only had a heart.

I’d reclaim the CEO spot

Refurbish the old yacht

And this time play it smart.

I’d suck up to Howard’s allies

Fill the board up with our own guys

If I only had a heart.

(Image from here.) 

Oldie but goodie

I think it's been about three years since I first saw this little animation, but it still makes me LOL every single time I watch it. I've been reminded of it by how my online tournaments have been going the last few days.

Warning: Extremely naughty language. Avert sensitive ears.

Poker gems, #445

Scott Huff and Joe Stapleton, in Bluff magazine, December, 2011, page 88, commenting on various professional poker players' decisions about where to relocate outside of the United States in order to be able to continue playing online.

Aguiar, Deeb, others -----> Mexico.

Uhhh, is it just me, or does this sound like an accident waiting to happen? In Mexico, you can get kidnapped and ransomed if you're suspected of having an abundance of unused Tower Records gift cards.

What the heck is going to happen when a country that has a pretty disproportionate gun/job ratio finds out a bunch of Vitamin D-deficient supernerds who keep massive amounts of cash on them--and who have the ability to transfer large sums of money electronically--live in that ridiculously lavish high-rise over there? You know, the only building you can see no matter where you're standing in the barrio?

Excellent idea of the year (so far)

A Twitter message that somebody retweeted my way last night:

Making the natives restless

I almost never engage in trash talking in the chat box when playing online. Once in a while, though, I see an opening for an exchange that will either be fun and amusing or put the other guy on tilt, which I consider to be a win-win situation. One such just occurred in one of my daily after-lunch Bodog SNGs.

First, you have to look around the table at the avatars to get the context. Click to see larger:

The player called "TunaMack" started it:

TunaMack: hey beautiful is that really ur pic

He's obviously talking to "muckitbaby," though he didn't specify, so I decided to interject. After all, you've got to admit that I make one very cute little lamb.

Rakewell: Why, yes it is, and thank you for noticing.
Rakewell: Or were you talking to Phil Ivey there?
TunaMack: talking to muck
Rakewell: You’re not into lambs?
Rakewell: Or Ivey?
Rakewell: Little lambs eat ivy.
Rakewell: I bet you don’t understand that reference.*
TunaMack: fck u and ivey
TunaMack: understand that
Rakewell: Such a sweetheart.
Rakewell: But I still think you’re either into animals or men.

Some time passes. He hasn't said anything for a while, and the urge to goad him a bit more is welling up inside me.

Rakewell: I’m sorry, Tuna, but I don’t think it would work out between a horse and a lamb.
Rakewell: You do have nice long legs, though.
Rakewell: Besides, I have so many more chips than you, I can’t see it working out between us.

Immediately after I wrote that, he was all in:

He had pocket kings, lost to “otisttd,” who had pocket 5s and flopped quads, scoring a nice triple knockout. (He and I would end up heads-up for first. I won.) The brackets around Tuna’s name after this point indicate observer status, as he was out.

Rakewell: lol
Rakewell: nh
[TunaMack]: yeah right btch
[TunaMack]: fckn rigged site
Rakewell: bye lover
[TunaMack]: fck rake u lamb fckn ******
[TunaMack]: A lamb u must b a lil btch
Rakewell: We’ll miss you. *kiss*
[TunaMack]: hey muck lets go get a drink

Notice that my initial salvo was not inflammatory or insulting by nature. If Tuna had been a laid-back, fun-loving guy, he could have taken it with a laugh and engaged in a bit of good-natured dialogue, pretending that we were our avatars. He chose, instead, to be an asshole about it. That's when I decided to have the fun all by myself, at his expense.

This incident reminded me of a nice column by Dr. Pauly for Poker Player newspaper a couple of years ago (available here), in which he discussed tactical use of the chat box:

Once in a while, if I'm feeling saucy, I'll antagonize one of the clowns in the chat box. As Sun Tzu said, "If you enemy is angry, irritate him." I like to goad them into senseless arguments. Several of my friends prepared witty responses when someone rants about their bad play. Here's an example, after you suck out on your opponent and they spew, "nice catch @%#&*!" or "nc" into the chat, I'll respond with, "Thanks. I have a large glove." One of my poker buddies, BadBlood, came up with that gem which always gets lots of laughs from the peanut gallery.

My number one response that is guaranteed to tilt a furious opponent? Type, "nonsense" into the chat. It works. One of my favorite bloggers, JuliusGoat, came up with that stunning response. He explained, "Whatever they say, just answer with 'nonsense.' This is the magic word. It's the auto-tilter."

If your opponents routinely remind you about your atrocious play, then quickly type, "Nonsense." If they call you a donkey or a fish, then respond with "Nonsense." The best way to beat a bully? Bully them back. After a while, they'll simply give up and hopefully, tilt their stack off your way.

*In case you don't get it either, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mairzy_Doats.

I have just one question, sir

I wrote quite a bit about Tony "TBC" a couple of months ago here, after watching him play a heads-up Omaha match at the Tropicana poker room. (Since then he has moved his blog to here.) Last night he and I shared a table at Hooters for a few hours.

One of the players sitting between us had his girlfriend watching him play. She got progressively drunk on shots of Patron.

The boyfriend half of the couple was apparently getting bored, and they were chatting about where else they could go. He asked if the Tropicana (right next door to Hooters) had a poker room. I said yes. Another player, between me and him, said no; he hadn't been aware of the recent reopening.

Tony decided to interject his story to emphasize that there is, in fact, a Tropicana poker room. Now, if you've never met Tony, this is kind of hard to describe, but when he is bursting with eagerness to share something, it pours out of him loudly and rapid-fire, in what psychology professionals might call a "pressured speech" pattern. I would runallthewordstogetherlikethis to convey graphically how it sounded, but then you wouldn't be able to read it. So you'll just have to imagine the following one-breath story gushing out like water from a fire hose, at both high speed and high volume:

"I played a thousand dollar buy-in heads-up no-limit Omaha eight or better tournament against a guy at the Tropicana poker room and they didn't even charge us any rake because the poker room manager is friends with the guy who set it up and the whole thing is on YouTube."

There was silence for a few seconds, as nobody seemed to know exactly how they should react to this tale.

Then drunk girl broke the silence with an earnest question:

"Were you naked?"

I have no idea what prompted her to ask this. It was so completely out of left field that I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

Having been there, I am pleased to report that no, the contest did not take place in the nude. However, upon reflection, that would add a certain element of humiliation and hilarity to any future rematch, and I think the participants should consider it.

But I don't want to be running the hole-card cam if they do.

He was just figuring his pot odds

See video here.

Poker gems, #420

Tommy Angelo, in A Rubber Band Story, pate 145.

So now I was well on my way to establishing my preferred [table] image, which is WET (weird-tight).

Poker gems, #419

Tommy Angelo, in A Rubber Band Story, page 137.

[There is a] common, ancient rule, which states, "If you show someone your uncalled hand, then everyone is entitled to see it, but only after they do the show-one-show-all chant with disdain."

Wimpy, 2011

Poker Mad Libs

Remember Mad Libs? Well, I just had a great idea for a new variation on the theme. That's right: Poker Mad Libs.

For example:

*****
Phil Hellmuth is playing poker on [cable TV channel]. In this hand, Phil's opponent is [famous poker player], who is a far better player than Phil, but whom Phil refers to as a [animal]. Phil has [strong poker hand]. [Famous poker player] has [crappy poker hand]. Phil raises [number] times the big blind. [Famous poker player] calls.

Phil [checks in the dark; sorry, there is no choice here]. The flop is [three cards]. [Famous poker player] bets [dollar amount]. Phil calls.

Phil [checks in the dark again; again, sorry, but there can be no alternatives here]. The turn is [card]. [Famous poker player] bets [dollar amount]. Phil starts [select one: fidgeting, muttering, talking to himself, asking other players to shut up for one goddamn minute while he gets a read]. After [number] minutes, he calls.

He [checks in the dark; c'mon, by now you know there is no other plausible option]. The river is [card]. [Famous poker player] bets [dollar amount]. Phil says [expletive]. Phil makes a disparaging reference to [famous poker player]'s [select one: mother, nationality, ridiculous good luck, atrocious play]. Phil recounts [select one: how the hand played out, all the previous hands in which he has gotten unlucky against this player, how unfair the world is to him]. Phil reminds his opponent that [select one: he has 11 WSOP bracelets, he is 10,000 levels above his opponent in poker thinking, he always slow-plays his monster hands in order to trap]. Phil announces that his opponent is a [adjective] [animal].

Finally, after [number] minutes, Phil [select one: calls into the nuts, folds the winner]. Upon seeing [famous poker player]'s cards, Phil throws a [object], then [select one: curls up into a fetal position, walks off the set, challenges him to a heads-up cash game that will never take place]. In a later interview, he blames his loss on [select one: the dealer, the other players distracting him, the TV show's producer, the sun being in his eyes].

When Phil recounts the hand for his Card Player magazine column, he will say that his own play was [select one: brilliant, amazing, fucking brilliant, fucking amazing], and that [famous poker player] was [select one: incredibly lucky, an absolute idiot, probably cheating].
*****


I tell you, there are unlimited possibilities here. It's a million-dollar idea, and I'm just giving it away to anyone who wants to run with it. That's the kind of guy I am.

Le Frenchman, he eez not happy

I'm playing a little HORSE tournament on PokerStars. We just had a guy from France bust out, but not before he left the table with this nice litte trio of sendoffs in the chat box.

t'es nul a chier

(From Google Translate: "You suck a shit.")

t'as le cul bordé de nouilles et tu joues comme une tapette

(Google: "You got your ass edged noodles and you play like a fag." I suspect that what Google renders as "ass edged noodles" is meant to be even more vulgar and depictive. Let's leave it at that.)

table de grosses tantouzes

(Google balked on this one, coming up with only the unhelpful "Table big tantouzes." But an online French dictionary here suggests fairy or queen for tantouzes.)

Such fun. This particular cheese-eating surrender monkey appears to have an unhealthy obsession with sexual orientation, which I do not share. Nevertheless, I rather enjoy the thought of responding to my next bad beat with a cry of "Ass edged noodles!"

Poker gems, #404

Joe Stapleton, on PokerStars Big Game, after Doyle Brunson told Daniel Negreanu that he didn't use a heads-up display (HUD) when he played online.


Doyle's HUD is a Post-It note with his password written on it.

Poker gems, #403

Daniel Negreanu, on PokerStars Big Game, needling "loose cannon" William Given, after Given won only a small amount with quad aces, having slow-played them to death against Scott Seiver.


Where's the rest of the pot?

Poker gems, #401

Joe Stapleton, in PokerStars Big Game, in the middle of Phil Hellmuth bitching at the dealer for giving his amateur opponent the card to fill his gutshot straight, beating Hellmuth's two pair:


Don't blame the dealer. We all know it's the seat that's unlucky.

Poker gems, #399

Joe Stapleton, on PokerStars Big Game, about Phil Laak.


The sling is from a recent ATV accident in which he nearly died. As for the haircut, I can only imagine there was some brain damage as well.

This is who you want at the table

After my session at Mandalay Bay (see previous post), I decided to spend a little time at Luxor. One of the players at the table was plainly quite drunk. He couldn't even coordinate his hands enough to stack his chips, and just kept them in a messy pile.

After I had been there for a while, a man, who we soon learned was drunk guy's brother, came along to chat with him:

Brother: "There you are. I thought you went back to the room to sleep."

Drunk guy: "I tried, but I couldn't see the room numbers well enough to know which one was ours, so I came down here instead."

Poker gems, #394

Joe Stapleton, on the PokerStars Big Game, on Daniel Negreanu's lack of aggression:


Daniel's been calling more than a clingy girlfriend.