Monday, October 15, 2012

Poker shirts

I saw this full-page ad in the latest issue of Bluff magazine:

At first I thought it was some sort of parody of poker-themed clothing. I expected the copy to be something like, "Don't want to look dorky like this? Turn the page for what today's fashion-conscious poker players are wearing." 

But no. They seem to be serious about selling these get-ups. 

Remember the great 1983 movie "Trading Places"? Two ultra-wealthy business tycoon brothers make a $1 bet with each other as to whether they can reduce their most successful commodities broker to abject poverty, while simultaneously getting a homeless criminal to take his place in the firm. 

Well, I imagine that Randolph and Mortimer Duke were at it again, and that's how we got the company producing the ad seen above. Here's how I think it must have gone down: 

Randolph: I so much prefer our home poker games to playing in the casinos. When you let just anybody in to play, they wear the most appalling clothing.  
Mortimer: Oh, come now. You're exaggerating. They may dress casually, but they're no worse than the average riff-raff that inhabit the city.  
Randolph: You are sadly mistaken, brother. Poker players will wear anything marketed to them as "poker clothes." They have no taste, no discernment whatsoever.  
Mortimer: Randolph, are you willing to back up that assertion with a little wager?  
Randolph: What do you have in mind?  
Mortimer: You think that it is impossible to design a poker-themed shirt so ugly that poker players won't buy it, right?  
Randolph: That is correct.  
Mortimer: All right, then. I'll bet you that I can design poker shirts so hideous that even when promoted with a full-page ad in a nationally distributed poker magazine, not a single person will order one.  
Randolph: What you propose cannot be done.  
Mortimer: We'll see about that. You can't imagine the horror I have in mind.  
Randolph: Do tell!  
Mortimer: Very well. You know how when the rodeo is in town, it seems that everybody is wearing the same goofy-looking clothes? They all have "cowboy" shirts with this curvy yoke, spangly decorations, contrasting-color piping, pearly buttons, and so on, right?  
Randolph: Yes. So?  
Mortimer: I'm going to have a designer put together a line of shirts following that same general pattern, except with poker-themed appliques. I think I can even get her to include a patch on the inside of a sleeve, so that the wearer would be able to roll it up a bit to reveal--wait for it--an ace up his sleeve! You might as well just give me my dollar now. Nobody would ever buy such sartorial monstrosities!  
Randolph: Bring on your seamstress. Make your shirts. Place your ad. Your dollar is mine. Poker players will buy anything!  
Mortimer: So say you. But you still haven't heard my coup de grace. My ad will feature only models who look like they came directly from a 1970s gay porn shoot. Ha! Take that, loser!  
Randolph: Oh, my poor deluded brother. You think a little thing like that will stand in the way of poker players rushing to order whatever idiotic-looking mess you throw together? You have much to learn.  
Mortimer: We shall see.The usual amount?  
Mortimer: Of course--one dollar.  
Randolph: One dollar it is. I can't wait to see your face when the orders start rolling in. 
Is there really any other possible explanation? 


darrelplant said...

You should checkout the Pendleton Poker Round-Up next month to see if Randolph gets his buck.

Big-O said...

Great post Grump.

Anonymous said...

How do you know what 70's gay porn movie actors looked like?!!!!