My excuses

I have this nephew, Ben, 18 years old, back in Minnesota. He just graduated from high school this year, and is now taking some college classes. The last time I talked to him about poker was maybe three years ago, because he was losing his lunch money playing at (or maybe after--never really got that clear) school. He didn't even know which hands beat what other hands, and he was playing for the only money he had! D'oh!

It was, therefore, a bit of a surprise last week when my brother (Ben's father) emailed me and said that Ben had been playing a lot of poker and winning. So I began e-chatting with Ben about the situation. We decided to have a bit of fun and play heads-up sit-and-gos on Full Tilt, because they have tables at which you can put up just $2 each. Hey, the kid is young, doesn't have any bankroll to speak of, and it wouldn't feel right taking any serious money away from him, y'know?

I mean, there's no question of who's going to win here, right? This is a kid who I have seen being breast-fed. This is a kid I've seen burst into tears because he can't wait one more day to unwrap his Christmas presents. (He was, like, five at the time.) This is a kid I used to take to McDonald's, and who would then leave greasy handprints on the back window of my car. I'm a hardened Las Vegas pro. Please. Me losing to him is simply unthinkable.

Or it was, until I lost.

Twice in a row.

(Insert mental image of me turning beet red here.)

So I need to present my official list of excuses for the lapse.

I let him win on purpose to help boost his ego. Yeah, that's the ticket.

The dummy kept calling my bluffs when clearly he should have folded.

I'm pretty sure he cheated, with a ringer actually playing for him.

I had the beginnings of a cold.

I had been just about to head out to Binion's for the evening when he IMed me suggesting we play, so I was kind of in a hurry to get going.

$2 isn't enough to really focus my attention.

He got better cards than I did.

Everybody knows that online poker is totally rigged in favor of the weaker players, to keep them coming back.

I hadn't slept well the night before.

I had just spent the afternoon doing some mind-numbing work, so my brain was frazzled.

It was raining here. Nobody can play his best when it's raining.

It was Halloween weekend. You can't take poker seriously on Halloween weekend.

Is that enough? Because if it isn't, I can come up with more.

Next time, young man--you just wait until next time!