Thursday, April 21, 2011

Press release from Absolute Poker

A lot of people seemed worried when we had the announcements from PokerStars and Full Tilt Poker that U.S. players would be getting full refunds and they were diligently working on the mechanisms to make that happen, but there was no such press release from AbsolutePoker. Today, fortunately, that deficiency has been corrected, with the release of this official statement:


As you no doubt have heard by now, our company is one of three under indictment on various trumped-up federal charges. We deny each and every allegation, and look forward to our day in court so that we can redeem our good name, which has been unfairly besmirched by these scandalous charges.

The U.S. Attorney's office has obtained court orders freezing our bank accounts. Nevertheless, they have given us permission to access such accounts to the extent necessary to refund to our United States players any funds that they had deposited and/or won.

We are here to tell you this: Don't hold your breath.

After all, you all knew that our primary business model is to use our insider access to look at your hole cards while we play against you, right? You could probably guess from that one simple fact that we're really not so much into the whole "give the money back" thing.

The guys at Full Tilt and PokerStars are probably worried about their reputations in the rest of the world; as they don't want players everywhere else to lose confidence and do panic withdrawals, they probably will do everything they can to get you your money back, just as they say they will.

Us, not so much.

You see, we understand that our players sent us their money even after they knew that we were a lying, cheating, dishonest, scummy, criminal enterprise. Since they will do that, we see no need to try to falsely appear like we're an honorable, do-the-right-thing kind of outfit. They already know better. Heck, they might even be disappointed in us if we took the so-called "high road" on this.

But you want to know the best part? We think that if you are stupid enough to have given us your money even after you knew perfectly well that we were cheaters and thieves, there's a good chance that when we can get back into the U.S. market, you'll give us more money even after we confiscate for ourselves what you've currently got on account here! Ha!

See you later--SUCKERS!


Your Friends at AbsolutePoker

1 comment:

John Barrett said...

Mr. Grump,
As head attorney for Ultimate Bet Poker, I, on behalf of my client, take extreme umbrage upon your malicious concoction of a fake statement from my client. It is obviously a pathetic attempt by you to besmirch publicly my client's pristine, virginal reputation within the poker community. I demand that you immediately repudiate your incredibly juvenile fabrication or face the litigious consequences.
Thank you,
Mr. A. Chaser
Cheatem, Rapem and Steele
Attorneys at Law